Presence & authenticity
Posted by Jay on
I’m unfortunately not great (and probably actually terrible) at maintaining connections in the in-between spaces of IRL relationships. There are many reasons for this, but I think the one that resonates most with me is because I value in-person presence so much, I almost view that as the only kind of presence that matters to authentically close relationships. Of course there’s the in-between moments of texting and chatting on the phone. But when I chat on the phone or FaceTime with folks I want to catch up for an hour or so. Finding the time to make that happen with your favorite 20 people is damn near impossible. So the answer is some haphazard non-strategy of communicating in this random mix of channels when you find the time.
I read this book about the “5+50+100 Rule” that says you’ve got your 5 closest friends you communicate with almost daily, your next 50 you communicate with on a weekly/monthly basis and the next 100 you talk with on a quarterly/yearly basis. But the book is all about “turning your business network into profits” which feels slimy to me. Of course you need to make a living. But even more so, you need to have awesome, consistent, meaningful relationships with other wonderful humans.
My most fulfilling period for friends and acquaintances was my 16 years in NYC. And then I moved and gradually lost touch with so many folks in that group of 145. I could easily pick up the phone and call, but it’d probably go to voicemail because we’re all busy. I could also have a standing call with 100 of them every quarter, but that just feels like standing meetings at work, when all I want is to meet up for dinner or a drink and have a good catch up, share ideas/insights/recommendations and a laugh. It just seems like that existence is not really feasible anymore. We’re all moving around, having kids, and struggling with making friends after 30. And if you place in-person relationships on a pedestal like I do, what’s a guy to do?
How do y’all best authentically keep in touch in with your friends and colleagues?